Swine Flu!

It's official (hearsay), we have three confirmed cases of the viral infection at my school - Freaking disease-ridden punks. Still, can't help but wonder how many more cases they need before they close a school... and that would suck, because if school closes, I lose the chance to earn money. But if the school is open, I loose the chance to be healthy... decisions, decisions....

Anyway, my Science coverage is coming along swimmingly, except for all the 5th graders, and a handful of 3rd graders, but just the sociopaths - everyone else is cool. Surprisingly, the SpEd classes, although reminiscent of banging one's head into a brick wall for 45 minutes, not so bad... they can even be rather fun and pretty interested in the subject matter. We're learning about forces and motion for the 3rd graders, nutrition for the 5th graders, and animals for the 1st graders. No Pre-K or Kindergarten classes...

(;..{(

I can't alphabetically emote mutton chops so you'll have to deal with a bracket mustache and a crying semicolon instead (my emoticon looks like he killed two dudes in prison).

That guy in the pic, totally not me by the way. But check out this site on hand-made hats 'n stuff:

http://www.threadbanger.com/post/12543/weekly-diy-roundup-funny-knit-patterns

She Blindsided me with Science (Science!!!).

Alright, so I got my wish. It looks good for me long-term-sub-wise, and no one had to die for it. It looks like I'll be subbing all the way 'till June - which is nice because I could sure use the money. However, I got my wish in a sort-of "Under the Tuscan Sun" kinda way. Okay, so Diane Lane (naked MILF from the film "Unfaithful") is complaining to this Italian Real Estate dealer about how she wants things like a wedding in her house, kids running all over the property, a family in her home, etc. In the end, she gets all of that, but you know, for other people - which sucks for her but in the end it's all good 'cause it's a chick flick whatever roll credits. Same thing happened to me, sans the hot MILF.

So, last week J***e - the payroll secretary who's also in charge of calling subs in the morning, asked if I could cover for the upper-grades Science teacher the week of Memorial day. Naturally, I said yes. So anyway Mrs. A*******s (the Science teacher) is also nine-months-pregnant, and consequently left plans not only for this week, but for every day up 'till the end of the year. Plus, instead of roaming the halls as a push-in sub, I get to work out of her classroom, with her resources and lesson plans. So, I don't think she's comin' back.

Awesome, yes? Well, I guess. Except that I was waiting for another pregnant teacher to pop first, the Pre-K teacher Mrs. S*******e (who always believed in me, by the way), so I could show the Principal how well I could deal with an early childhood classroom on my own. Also, Pre-K...is...

F#@KIN' AWESOME!

You get to play games, sing songs, go to the park, eat ice cream, read stories and act them out, do arts and crafts, store food in a refrigerator, have breakfast and lunch for free, and since you have a paraprofessional with you at all times, you can go to the bathroom whenever you need to - you know, the bathroom with a sink that's already in the classroom. Everything you do with these kids is a brand new experience - coloring, painting, writing, drawing, reading, singing, dancing, eating, drinking... you get the gist. Oh yeah, and air conditioning. In June.

Anyway, totally not complaining. I mean hey, I have steady work and at least I don't have swine flu. Yet.

By the way, I know what you're thinking - that that seahorse has huge balls - and you're right, 'cept those aren't his balls. That male seahorse is pregnant.

Mors Tua Vita Mea, or "Why I really hate subbing sometimes...."

As you may or may not know, I'm a long-term Early Childhood substitute teacher in Queens, N.Y., waiting for full-time employment in the fall - which means I only work when others can't. And that sucks.

If I'm covering a Pre-K class, I get to have lunch with the Pre-K crew, and they're a pretty cool bunch. Same with Kindergarten. But whenever you hang with them you're always aware of the fact that one of them is missing... you know, the one you're covering for.

That means that whenever I get that call in the morning, it's usually because one of my friends has Strep throat or Swine flu or the Hunta Virus or something. And if I want to work a lower grade, I guess in some way I'm asking for someone I know and care about to get sick.

I mean granted, you feel good that you get to be there for them, watch their flock, teach the students and make sure those little punks don't rip the place apart while they're teacher is away, but still... even as I get the text message from one of my colleagues to cover for her, it sucks because I know how much she loves her kids and wants to be there for them.

Then of course you get those sad faces and questions from the kids. "When's Ms. S****a coming back," or "is Ms. M********s okay? What happened to her?" And then you get the occasional "Is it my fault? She screamed at me yesterday and now she's sick..." Trust me, those conversations are not fun.

So ladies - have a baby or go on vacation. Have a few too many at the bar the night before school or just call out 'cause you feel like sleeping in. But make sure to watch your step and take care of your immune systems; I can't have that kind of guilt on my top-hat-wearing grasshopper.

Male Teacher + Soldier + Killing Nazis w/ Sticky Bombs = Awesome.

As tomorrow is Memorial Day, I can't help but recall the old saying:

"If you like Freedom, thank a Veteran; if you can read this, thank a Teacher."

True on both counts. So who's the fictional character that embodies both heroic archetypes? Why Capt. John H. Miller portrayed by Tom Hanks in the film Saving Private Ryan, of course:



And does he stop being a teacher and a caregiver just because he's stuck in Nazi-occupied France during WWII? No, because he's bad-ass, that's why. Check out this clip as he walks Private Ryan through the process of recalling distant memories using "context clues." But be warned - skip to around 3:01 minutes in, unless you want to hear commentary on Edith Piaf and massive mammaries:

Saving Private Ryan: Edith Piaf

God Bless America.

Can't get wasted on the terrace no more....

So today, as I was enjoying a homemade glass of iced coffee with vanilla whey protein (thanks Cat) on the terrace with one of my roommates, I saw a student walk past my apartment enjoying a cool bottle of Aranciata and the warm, late-spring weather. As she walked passed (and before I could hide my face), she saw me. The adorable five-year-old smiled, and with a wave yelled "Hi mister BLANK," to which I responded with a pleasant "Good morning, N*****a." However, as she turned the corner, I whispered a quiet "Crap!" to myself, because once again I was reminded of how, damn it - THEY KNOW WHERE I LIVE.

Living in the same neighborhood where I also work has its perks: a five-block commute, I can relieve myself in my own bathroom during lunch, all the parents are your neighbors and know who you are...it can be a pretty sweet deal. And don't get be wrong; a random "Hi mister BLANK" at the supermarket has, on several occasions, made my day - but seriously. A man's home (or hostel-like apartment) is his castle. I mean, a rather lame castle admittedly, but it's mine. A sacred place full of heffeweissen beer and Hulu clips and "Rock Band" drum kits. But no more.

No more drinking in the afternoon, no more picking up the mail topless, no more Norwegian Black Metal at 2 o'clock in the A.M....

But hey - at least she called me "Mister."

Don't be a Male Kindergärten Teacher in China... it sucks, apparently.

Damn, I thought I had it bad. Granted there's the whole "Is he a pedophile, or just gay" gauntlet I have to walk every day (I'm neither ladies, so stop being sexist and make out with me already), but at least I'm not being pushed out of a job. From accusatory stares, a socially inherent lack of respect and low wages to the prospect of never getting laid again, you're better off quitting or pulling a Columbine (at least they'll think you're a man after that, right?). Whatever.

Here's the link:

http://www.chinadaily.com.cn/english/doc/2004-02/16/content_306573.htm

"According to statistics released by the Guangzhou education department, only 14 out of 28,422 kindergarten teachers in the city were men at the end of last year." To put that in perspective, that means .049% of kindergarten teachers in the city are men - or rather 1 male for every 2,032 female teachers. The national average for the U.S. is 2% for kindergarten, 24% for male teachers in general.



I give this guy like six months, tops.

"You look like the kind of Substitute that has a daughter."

So last week, I was covering this 4th grade class (a pretty awesome class by the way, despite the fact that they drove me nuts), and during dismissal this girl - one of the best students in the class tells me that I "look like the kind of Substitute that has a daughter." I still have no idea what she meant.

However, I was struck with awe, and a bunch of things ran through my mind. Was she saying I can't raise boys? Or that I'm kind of effeminate? Was I too stern or too lenient with the girls during that coverage? I can't recall. Ultimately I took it as a compliment, 'cause she could have just as easily said "You look like the kind of Substitute that's a 28-year-old unmarried childless loser," but she didn't, and that's cool.